Gethsemane

I wrote this poem many, many years ago.  I would probably write it differently now, but here’s an offering from my younger self…

 

Not your sympathy, just your presence is what I need.
You may think I don’t need you because of who I am;
Yet, it is because of who I am … what I am, that I do.

Our time together grows short;
Can’t you stay awake just an hour and watch with me?

Come; tell me of your days as fishermen;
The strain of pulling bursting nets from sparkling blue waters,
Green hills in the distance marking home, guiding your path on pathless seas.

Come; tell me of your families;
The love and laughter, the grief and sorrow.
Tell me of festivals past when families gathered to celebrate, to share, to embrace and remember.

Come; tell me of your dreams;
What you wished on the dark nights on rocky hillsides when we slept beneath the stars.
And your fears – what you will do when I have gone … and yet remain.

Come; talk to me, share with me, pray with me.
For I’ll not see the sparkling waters,
I’ll not feel a brother’s embrace,
And while my dreams transcend earth, and my fears are swallowed up in love,
I would know yours …
to help you …
to guide you …
to comfort you.

I’ve much ahead of me, much that I’d rather not do.
But I must, because of who I am … what I am …
I only wish you would awaken and watch with me.

God and Stephen Hawking

Stephen Hawking died today.  He was an intellectual giant who would have accomplished much leading a normal life, but considering that he accomplished what he did while struggling with ALS is nothing short of amazing.  In one of those weird circumstances that people will speculate about, Hawking was born on the 300th anniversary of Galileo’s birth and died on the 139th anniversary of Albert Einstein’s birth.  Oh … and it is Pi Day, which is March 14th or 3.14, the mathematical constant that describes the area of a circle.

The scientific community will pay tribute to Hawking, as will the larger world, and rightfully so.  But that does not matter to him now.  His name has already been enshrined as a scientific great and his reputation will likely grow in death.  I did not see it, but the movie that was made about his life several years ago was apparently a success.  But none of that matters to him now.  He leaves behind children and grandchildren and many admirers, but none of that matters to him now.

Hawking once famously said, “I regard the brain as a computer which will stop working when its components fail. There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers; that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark.” Quite a statement, but when a man trusts his own intellect as sovereign, it is the kind of statement he would make.  Early in his career he did not deny the existence of God, but stated that even if God set the laws of the universe in motion, He did not intervene to break those laws.  Ultimately, Hawking stated he was an atheist and said, “We are each free to believe what we want and it is my view that the simplest explanation is there is no God. No one created the universe and no one directs our fate. This leads me to a profound realization. There is probably no heaven, and no afterlife either. We have this one life to appreciate the grand design of the universe, and for that, I am extremely grateful.” 

I am extremely grateful for this life, too, and consider a gift from God. I am not afraid of the dark, or death as Hawking was likely speaking metaphorically.  I am intelligent, although not at the Hawking level, and I can think for myself.  Unfortunately, I am emotional, too, and I could think smugly, “I guess Hawking is learning the truth now” based on my belief in the next life.  But what I feel today is a sense of loss, not just for Hawking, but for each of us who trusts himself for the answers to life’s questions.  There are so many people who have magnificent gifts of intellect, artistic talent, physical abilities, etc., that believe in themselves because of those gifts.  There is nothing wrong with believing in yourself in terms of confidence, but there is something profoundly wrong in believing in yourself as the source of those gifts and abilities.

I am not offering apologetics arguments today, although it would have been interesting to have those discussions with Hawking (and more than a bit intimidating), but simply stating that I do believe in God the Creator, Sustainer of Life and Redeemer of Lost Souls.  My beliefs lead me to the conclusion that people who do not share them will find themselves in an afterlife devoid of all that is good, i.e., the love of God.  We cannot imagine what that will be like and how we will respond (I should write a song), but it should break our hearts when people die who have boldly proclaimed their unbelief.

Despite his disease, Stephen Hawking was a giant.  He was an image bearer of the Creator who chose to ignore the Creator.  Unfortunately, his reputation on Earth will carry no weight in eternity.  The “fairy story” of Heaven is available only through the grace God offers through His sacrificial love.  I respect Stephen Hawking, but I deeply regret that he will not know the joy of learning first-hand what his life’s work was about, and an even greater regret that He will not experience the ultimate joy of life in the presence of His Creator.

Ash Wednesday, Valentine’s Day and Matters of the Heart

Ash Wednesday and Valentine’s Day have probably coincided before, and it’s not that big of a deal for most people unless someone planned on giving up chocolate for Lent, then it’s a VERY BIG DEAL!           It is quite the juxtaposition, though.  Valentine’s Day is a celebration of romantic love when sweethearts exchange cards and gifts, which may include chocolate and jewelry, perhaps dine out at an expensive restaurant, and do whatever else Hallmark and convention demand.  Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of the Lenten season, which for many Christians is an observation of six weeks of repentance leading up to Easter.  Ashes are placed on believers’ forehead in the form of a cross recalling Genesis 3:19 – Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.  These words were spoken by God to Adam and Eve to remind them of their sinfulness and mortality and, indirectly, of the need for repentance.  The forty-day period of Lent is meant to correspond to the forty days Jesus spent in the wilderness fasting and praying, as well as the forty days Moses spent repenting and fasting after destroying the false idol the Hebrews had constructed.  Usually, a believer will give up something for Lent in an act of self-denial to constantly remind him or her of the need to repent.

Both days are about the celebration of love, but they come at it from entirely different angles.  Valentine’s Day is about romance and lavishing gifts upon one person.  Ash Wednesday is about the ultimate and lonely sacrifice love demanded of one person.   In English we use one word, “love,” with many shades of meanings.  New Testament Greek gives us several words for love, including eros, typically expressed as the love between a man and a woman from which we derive the word “erotic,” and agape, a sacrificial love, an unconditional love that is typically used to describe a parent’s love for a child and, of course, God’s love for us.  Valentine’s Day is about eros; Ash Wednesday is about agape.

The symbols for each day stand in contrast, too.  Valentine’s Day is represented by a stylized heart (a picture of a real heart is just not very romantic), while Ash Wednesday is represented by the rough outline of a cross drawn with ashes.  Both represent love, but again, different kinds of love.  We speak of the heart in various ways including following the heart, heartache, full hearts, weary hearts, and lonely hearts, among others.  We place a lot of importance on the heart in determining relationships and making decisions.  In all of this, think of the heart as our mind and emotions.  But Jeremiah tells us something interesting about the heart: “The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick’ who can understand it?”  It is important to note that these are the words of the Lord quoted by Jeremiah.  God Himself says our hearts are sick, yet we rely on our hearts to guide us.  In Psalm 10:3 we read: “For the wicked boasts of his heart’s desire, and the greedy man curses and spurns the Lord.”  In Psalm 14:10, David writes, “The fool has said in his heart, ‘There is no God.’”  How can we function with such a sinful, self-centered heart?

Fortunately, God gives us the answer for that a bit further into the Psalms:

I will bless the Lord who has counseled me; indeed, my mind instructs me in the night. I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will dwell securely.  Psalm 16:7-9

It is not explicitly stated in this passage, but God gives us a new heart.  If we listen to His counsel, if we keep the Lord continually before us, our hearts will be glad.  But we must allow God to change our hearts.  David cries for God to create a clean heart in him in his great prayer of repentance in Psalm 51.  In Ezekiel 36:26, God states it explicitly: “Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you.  I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.” In context, this is a promise to the people of Israel in their covenant relationship with God.  However, it holds just as true for God’s people – believers – under the new covenant relationship established at the cross.  In fact, Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 5:17 that we are completely new creations.  The old has been done away with and we are new beings in God.

The cross placed on foreheads on Ash Wednesday lasts for the day, but the commitment made leads to the cross and to the empty tomb.  Both are symbolic of the amazing, overwhelming love God has for those who accept His grace.  It is the cross that gives us new hearts and the tomb that assures us of eternity.

Happy Valentine’s Day! I’m not sure “Happy Ash Wednesday” is a thing, but if it works for you … Whatever the day means for you, don’t forget the One who expressed true love for you by giving His life.

Sacred Decision-making

A few days ago, I ran across an online listing for a pastor for a small church in the West.  It contained many of the usual phrases, which are important, but common in this sort of ad: heart for discipleship, servant leader, man of prayer, etc. But then the church got real.  It is located in an area that is definitely not part of the Bible Belt, so the listing read, “This position is not for the faint of heart. It is quite literally a mission field inside of the United States.”  Fair enough, but the church had also apparently experienced problems in the past (I know – completely unique situation).  The ad mentioned the church was in a rebuilding phase and then added, “Our new pastor must be strong in the Lord as well as being a strong leader, not being sacred to make hard decisions. We are looking for a Pastor and his family to come in and be the example of a real life Christian family. With that comes the extreme highs and extreme lows.”  That is not a typo in the blog, although it surely was a typo in the ad.  I’m sure the church wanted a pastor who would not be scared to make hard decisions, but they asked for a man to not be sacred in making hard decisions.

Most people think of something sacred as being holy.  The word is often used to indicate something that can’t be messed with, e.g., a “sacred cow.”  Or we use it to elevate something to a special level simply because it is special to us, e.g., “chocolate is sacred to me.” Quite simply, that means “step away from my chocolate and no one gets hurt!”

At face value, the ad called for someone to not be sacred in making hard decisions, and that’s what I love about it.  To me, that means to get your hands dirty; to lose any holier-than-thou attitude and make the tough calls.  It means not putting yourself above the ugly, fallen world we live in, but figuring out how you’re going to jump in and engage the ugly, fallen people and share the love of Jesus, all the while being ugly and fallen yourself.

None of us is sacred in the sense of being more special than anyone else, but each believer is sacred in the sense that God has saved us by His grace.  We are set apart (the meaning of the word “holy”).  Peter tells us in his first letter, But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; for you once were not a people, but now you are the people of God; you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.” (1 Peter 2:9-10) Believers are sacred and set apart in order to proclaim God’s excellencies, so we have sacred work to do.  But we cannot act sacredly (is that even a word?) in carrying out this sacred work.

I also believe each life is sacred, because each of us in made in the image of our Creator.  God gave us life, a wonderful, beautiful gift.  Too often we degrade and abuse this gift because of our choices.  And we cheapen life, even complete discount it, when we accept the acts of abortion and euthanasia, and in the casual taking of life which is all too prevalent in our world (and on our screens).

Believers must make the sacred choices that God would have us make, without approaching the world and the work in a manner that presents us as holier-than-thou.  I guess, in a sense, we are holier-than-thou because we have experienced the saving grace God offers, but that alone should make us humbler-than-thou, because we should realize what great sinners we are and what a great price was paid for our salvation.

So get out there and don’t be sacred … or scared!

As a final note, the ad for the pastor closed this way: “What we need is not a person that is ready to retire, but a Spiritual Leader that is ready to dive in with their whole being, ready to serve and treat this as a duty that God has laid before him. We need a dedicated man who loves people…saved and unsaved. We need a man that is not perfect…even though, if Jesus were available to be our Pastor, we would accept Him!”  So maybe they really do want a sacred decision-maker!

No One Left to Ask

January 6th was my maternal grandmother’s (Grandma) birthday.  She would have been 118 this year, but she died at age 86.  January 8th was my paternal grandmother’s (Nana) birthday.  She would have been 110 this year, and she did make it to 100.  I reminded my wife of their birthdays.  As I was telling her, I realized that when I’m gone no one will remember their birthdays.  Grandma lived in a cool little apartment one block from the ocean when I was little.  I kinda/sorta remember what it looked like.  Nana drove Volkswagen Bugs, owning two when I was a kid.  I tried to remember what color they were – I think one was light blue – when I realized there was no one left to ask.

My first reaction was sadness, followed quickly by the thought, “I’m getting old.”  It did start me thinking.  My daughters don’t remember my Grandma, although they do remember Nana.  When my daughters are gone, the memory of my grandmothers will pass from the earth.  This quotation is from the movie, Stand Up Guys: “… they say you die twice.  One time when you stop breathing the first time and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.”  Obviously not a theologically sound statement, but meaningful nonetheless.  One day each of us will be gone from this world.  One day after that, it may be weeks or it may be years, our name will be spoken for the last time. If we achieve some sort of fame, or leave lasting contributions to the world, our name may last for centuries, but that does not change the fact that we will leave this world.

You may not cure a disease, or write a poem that will be read hundreds of years from now, or serve in public office.   You may not have children or, if you do, they may not have children.  But you will leave a legacy.  There are legacies promised in the Bible.  Abraham was told by God, in Genesis 22:17, “Indeed I will greatly bless you, and I will greatly multiply your seed as the stars of the heavens and as the sand which is on the seashore; and your seed shall possess the gate of their enemies.”  While it is part of a much larger promise to David, 2 Samuel 7:16 contains a legacy that is significant for each of us: “Your house and your kingdom shall endure before Me forever; your throne shall be established forever.” 

These are promises of grand legacies that extend beyond the scope of what we expect or are promised.  However, believers have been commissioned to leave a legacy.  Jesus told us to make disciples.  Jesus told us to love God with everything we have, and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves.  I fail too often in fulfilling this legacy required of me.  My focus turns inward, and when it is outward it is primarily on my family.  Of course, I need to take care of my family, but I am called to love the world, and especially the unlovable.  I need to share and show the gospel to those I encounter, or I am failing. There is much talk about leaving the world a better place for the next generation.  We should be talking (and acting) about equipping the next generation for the better world than this.

My grandmothers’ earthly legacies won’t extend past another generation or so, yet their legacies are ultimately eternal.  They have now heard the words of Jesus cited in Matthew 25:21: “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.”

Cretinous Wretches

Michele and I have a Christmas tradition of watching the musical Scrooge every year, usually after Christmas.  If family is with us, they are stuck watching it, too.  In the movie, Scrooge, who is played by Albert Finney, sings a song called “I Hate People.”  I picked up on an unusual phrase in the song years ago: “cretinous wretches.”  Here it is in the context of the song:

Life is full of cretinous wretches
Earning what their sweatiness fetches,
Empty minds whose pettiness stretches
Further than I can see.
Little wonder I hate people,
And I don’t care if they hate me!

 Ebenezer views most people as empty-minded, petty, cretinous wretches.  According to the dictionary, “cretinous” means foolish or stupid.  Most of us would be offended if someone called us a cretinous wretch or a fool.  Yet the Bible has a lot to say about fools:

  • Jeremiah 4:22 – For My people are foolish, they know Me not; they are stupid children and have no understanding. They are shrewd to do evil, but to do good they do not know.
  • Psalm 53:1 – The fool has said in his heart, “There is no God,” They are corrupt, and have committed abominable injustice; there is no one who does good.
  • Romans 1:21 – For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened.

Paul has much to say about fools and foolishness in his first letter to Corinth:

  • 1 Corinthians 4:10 – We are fools for Christ’s sake, but you are prudent in Christ; we are weak, but you are strong; you are distinguished, but we are without honor.
  • 1 Corinthians 1:20-31 – Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not come to know God, God was well-pleased through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe. For indeed Jews ask for signs and Greeks search for wisdom; but we preach Christ crucified, to Jews a stumbling block and to Gentiles foolishness, but those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. Because the foolishness of God is wiser than mean, and the weakness of God is stronger than men. For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, so that no man may boast before God. But by His doing you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption, so that, just as it is written, “LET HIM WHO BOASTS, BOAST IN THE LORD.”
  •  1 Corinthians 1:18 – For the word of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.

There seems to be two kinds of foolishness in the Scriptures: the fool who doesn’t believe in God; and the fool who does and follows Him.  The difference in these is a matter of perspective.  The one who does not acknowledge God is seen as a fool by God.  The one who follows God is seen as a fool by the world.  Jesus captured this well on the road to Emmaus as he responded to the ignorance of the two disciples – “O foolish men and slow of heart to believe in all that the prophets have spoken!” (Luke 24:25).  These two travelers were His followers and should have been fairly conversant with the prophets, but they did not understand what had happened at the cross and the tomb.  To be fair, it would be hard to imagine even the most ardent disciple of Jesus grasping the full impact of the events of that weekend at that time.

Christ-followers can be foolish when we ignore God and attempt to live apart from Him.  Unfortunately, much of my life is spent in this kind of foolishness.  But if we are living for and in Christ, we are still fools in the world’s eyes.  I guess we can’t win – we’re always fools to someone.  It is much better, however, to be thought a fool by the world than by God.  Since we haven’t yet glimpsed Heaven, this world is all we know.  But we have to adopt a long-term view, an eternal view, and live as fools in this world so we can live redeemed and restored in the next.

Ebenezer’s story is one of redemption.  At the end of the movie, his song has changed to “I Like People.”  Some probably thought him foolish early in the movie because of his stinginess and sour outlook on life.  Others probably thought him foolish at the end of the movie as he danced like a child and gave away money.  As strange as it sounds, old Ebbie is a role model for we who are redeemed.  We should be living changed lives and we should act foolishly in the world’s eyes.

So, on the very remote chance that someone calls you a cretinous wretch, try to consider it a compliment that you are living as you should.

Manger Things

A portal is opened to another world.  Someone seems irretrievably lost, but a hero enters an evil world to save him.  A life is sacrificed so that others may live.

I watched the first season of the hit Netflix series, Stranger Things, a few weeks ago (I’d give it an 11, by the way).  If you’re familiar with the show, everything in the first paragraph above is part of the story.  If you’re familiar with the gospel, everything in the first paragraph above is part of the story.

Almost every great story, whether it’s a folk tale, book, or movie (even Hallmark Christmas movies), contains elements of the gospel: failure and redemption; selfishness and sacrifice; lost and found.  Stranger Things is a well-told story and all these elements are present.  Of course, there are many things in the series that do not correlate to the gospel and we shouldn’t try to force them.  I think too many pastors and authors try to find the gospel in everything in order to be culturally relevant, and it’s not always there (naturally, this post is excluded).  Without giving away too much about the story-line of the series, we don’t find parallel worlds in the gospel, nor do we find Eggos.

But there are similarities and they start with the Manger.  A new world was opened to us when Jesus came to live among us.  We were given direct access to the Creator and, one day, believers will enter the portal Jesus opened on the cross and live in that better world with him (the other world in Stranger Things is definitely NOT a better world).  It was necessary for Jesus to come to us because we were lost and without hope.  Much like Will in Stranger Things, each of us wanders through an evil and fallen world looking for a way out.  Someone had to enter that evil and fallen world to save Will.  Someone, and it could have only been someone who was fully God and fully man, had to enter our world to save us.

A character in Stranger Things was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice so that her (spoiler alert) friends would be saved from certain death.  Sound familiar?  In any true love story sacrifice is required.; it is required in our lives every day if we love someone.  That defines Jesus – he was the ultimate sacrifice because He loved us.  He paid the price that we could not pay, the price that only He could pay.

In John 13:34-35, Jesus said, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”  Jesus had not yet made the ultimate sacrifice when he uttered these words, but it was coming the following day.  The disciples did not yet understand the need for a crucified Messiah, much less that is was about to happen.  At the time, to love others as Jesus loved certainly meant the disciples were to show the compassion and care that Jesus had shown them.  But after the cross, these words took on an entirely new meaning.  To love others is to be willing to sacrifice for them, perhaps even to die for them.  This concept was definitely a “stranger thing” than they had heard before, yet it would mark them, and all followers of Jesus, as true disciples.

Manger things include hope, grace, and love.  May these beautiful things fill your Christmas and may others see them in you and know that you truly are a Christ-follower.  And when the turkey and pumpkin pie are gone, and all the cookies have been eaten … have an Eggo.

Funerals and Parties

Last week on consecutive days I attended two completely different events.  One cold overcast afternoon I stood on a hillside in Arlington National Cemetery and honored my brother-in-law as he was buried.  The next evening, I sat in a church fellowship hall in Florida with my special needs brother as we celebrated at his organization’s annual Christmas party.  The first event was somber and dignified; the second was light-hearted and fun.

The burial occurred nearly five months after my brother-in-law died; the waiting list at Arlington is that long, so it was, in a sense, the reopening of a wound.  The ceremony itself helped in treating the wound.  I have attended and conducted several military funerals and I am always moved by the intentional and respectful way the service is conducted.  Jim’s body was borne on a caisson pulled by a team of horses.  An Air Force flight of about 20 service members accompanied the procession.  Of course, there was a three-gun salute and the playing of “Taps.”  The military part of the ceremony ends with a slow and deliberate folding of the flag and presentation of it to a relative, in this case my sister-in-law, with the words, “On behalf of the President of the United States and a grateful nation ….”

The next night we were celebrating with a room full of happy people.  We were treated to a handbell concert by Angelwood clients, some down-home Christmas music by a local trio, pulled pork, banana pudding and a visit from Santa.  It has become a Christmas tradition for us and it is always wonderful to see Bubba’s face light up when he spots us across the room.  Bubba makes it a point to speak to Santa and Santa gives everyone a candy cane.  After chatting with Santa, Bubba went to another table, found his girlfriend, gave her a kiss on the cheek and presented her with the candy cane he had just received from Santa.  Bubba is much more interested in the receiving, rather than the giving, part of the Christmas equation, so I was stunned.  Love  can make us do the unexpected.  We took a picture of the pair and the joy on their faces was beautiful.

I am always fascinated by the juxtapositions life presents us and these two events, so close to one another and both involving family, spoke to me.  Each was a celebration, although the funeral was, of course, tinged with sadness.  Yet in each grace was to be found. In Arlington, we saw the grace of a life well-lived and a husband and father well-loved.  In the church fellowship hall, we saw the grace of simple love and friendship.  We experienced joy in Arlington as we remembered Jim and as the family gathered, ate (of course!) and laughed together.  We experienced joy in Florida as we celebrated with Bubba and as the family gathered, ate (obviously) and laughed together.

His family won’t celebrate Christmas with Jim this year, and that will be hard; we will celebrate with Bubba and that will be fun.  That is symbolic of what so many people experience at Christmas: pain and loneliness for some and joy for others, or some of both for many.  We live in a sometimes painful world and that is to be expected because we live in a fallen world.  Yet Christmas brings the promise of grace and joy to us.  In the midst of pain, we can find joy.

Psalm 126:5 states, “Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.”  It’s always dangerous to lift a verse out of context, but I think this one works here.  The psalm is one of rejoicing after release from captivity and the verses in the second half of the psalm speak of an unlooked-for harvest which brings joy.  We often shed tears in our heartache, only to find that God ends up blessing us in the sorrow.

Where is the joy to be found in burying Jim?  It is hard to find for us, and I don’t know that my sister-in-law and nephews have found it yet.  But they can know that, as a believer, Jim is living the life the way it was meant to be lived for creatures created in God’s image, and that is incredibly joyful.

The beautiful hymn, “When I Survey the Wondrous Cross”, contains the verse:

See from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down!
Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

Jesus’ birth was a time of joy.  His death was a time of sorrow, yet also indescribable joy because it offered new life to all who believe, and it happened because of His great love for us.  Sorrow and joy.  Sorrow and love. Funerals and parties.

In times of sorrow, seek the joy the Lord offers.  In times of celebration, embrace the joy.  That’s the wonderful thing about the joy of the Lord – it is consistent and available, whether you’re at a funeral or a party.